Monday, September 26, 2011

Do you ever sabotage yourself? Do you find you throw your hardwork out the window and give up all the work and let yourself go? I've been doing this all my life. I think that's why I've been losing and gaining the same 10 lbs. since I've been twelve!!

Being fat when you grow up poor is kind of embarassing quite frankly. We didn't have the best diet. We had lots of white carbs-rice. Rice for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Usually if we had pork or chicken, my mom believed that the fat is where the flavor is so she never trimmed the fat.

I digress. I didn't know the mathmatics of losing weight back then. I had no control over what was served to me. However, I had control over portion size. But I didn't exercise this concept. I ate for any reason. I just ate too much. Food was and still is such a comfort for me. It's also how I punish myself.

When I feel not good enough, I eat. When I feel I don't deserve to feel this good or have this life-I eat to sabotage away the weeks of sensible eating.

I didn't catch myself this weekend. I felt I let my family down because my son got sick. Did I push him too hard all week? We had to cancel several plans due to this and I think I felt horrible about not making the commitments. So I ate. And ate. And ate.

On Friday I weighed 135 lbs. I woke up this morning at 137.8 lb.!! I've been losing and gaining these three pounds since May. Seriously. Over and over. As soon as I get to 135-I feel like I can give myself a break.

Why is my break a nose-dive into bad, bad unmentionable foods. Now, these food in NORMAL portion would not show up on one's body but in MASSIVE quantities, it makes you not be able to stand wearing jeans. So depressing.

So, today, I am on track again. For today. Why can't I get it together?! It's not about the food-it's about how I feel about myself. I've got work to do...

1 comment:

H Love said...

HUGS! Girl you need to read my Thirsty Thursday post and we NEED to get together! Hang in there!