Saturday, November 27, 2010

At every important milestone in my life-any accomplishment, hard, and worthwhile in the forefront of my mind is my weight. When I was defending my thesis, I had a hard time finding a suit to fit my short and fat form. I recall going to several department stores and finally finding one-which had to be altered a lot to fit right. This is one of many, many stories. In addition, I had to stand in front of professors and other students for two hours explaining why I did the research I did and why I should be granted a masters in science degree.

When I was pregnant with both my lovely boys, I struggled to breath and move around due to my umpa lumpa form. I was really big. The pinacle of how large I got: 4' 11'' and 175 lbs. AAAGGHH. Poor feet. My feet hurt all the time throughout both pregnancies. Don't get me started on gestational diabetes. Having my children were the two most defining moments of my life. I am forever grateful to get to love these two boys. However, in my mind, I was struggling to hide how much weight I had not taken off and how I didnt' want to have my picture taken because I couldn't bear to look at how big I was.

Wedding. It was all I could do to workout twice/day for months to fit into my wedding dress. The wedding dress I found was beautiful but because of my rolls and frame, I had a difficult time finding a dress that would fit me. Again, I was scared to be the focus of attention because I was so big and in WHITE.

Fast forward to now. I am up 5 lbs. from last year and I am so scared to gain back all the weight. But like the cycle that has run throughout my life, the more scared I get, the more I mess up with my eating. That's where I'm at. I wish I could be one of those people who cuts back on the food as soon as my clothes feel tighter. I just get stressed out about how I let myself get big enough to not be able to fit into my clothes-it's just in a smaller size. I am tired of forever worrying about my weight.

I know this is a depressing and whiny post but this is where I'm at. It helps to get it out of my system.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I love the feel of a new pair of running shoes. I love the first night in my bed after changing sheets. I love to read. I love the first cup of coffee in the morning. I love the way I feel after a workout. I love living in this country. I love sewing machines. I love baking I love the feeling I get when anyone enjoys the food I've served.

I love the smell of my boys first thing in the morning (still warm and pliable) hugging me. I love to kiss the are from one's jawline to neck area on my boys' & husband's faces. I love the way my husband smells.

Lastly, I love everything about Thanksgiving dinner. I love the preparation, the cooking, the cleaning, the way it takes 20 minutes to devour everything you spent two days making. I love how family and friends rally together to share this wonderful meal. I love the leftovers for days.

I love it all and I hope no one is sitting about home by themselves and not having Thanksgiving. I hope anyone I know reading this who are by themselves to come over. I would love to share my abundance with you tomorrow and any other day. I am thankful. Very, very thankful.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thanksgiving is coming up in a couple of days and I've been cleaning, shopping, and prepping for a houseful. Well, maybe not. It has been snowing a lot in the past two days and what doesn't seem to help is there's no sign of stopping as the temperature is below freezing for the rest of the week.

AAGGHHH!! It's not about what I want, but I would like to have family around for the holidays. But right now, I'm just thankful we are safe and warm at home. I'm so thankful to not have to travel right now. Anyhow, I've been blogging M.I.A. because I've been recovering from my month-long skin problems which has made me bonkers. I've been itchy and uncomfortable in my skin for over a month now and finally this past week or so, it's subside to managable.

I hope everyone has a warm and loving place to spend Thanksgiving.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Koo had a friend over after school. She's a doll. While I was making gyros, the kids were playing and making forts with their blankets-or rather S.E. was making the forts. Once lunch was served, lovely husband asked Koo's friend if she liked being here and how she liked the boys. She proceeded to negotiate a trade, without missing a beat she says "I'll take S.E. and you can have my sister." When asked why? She said because S.E. builds really good forts.

With muffled laughter, lovely and I discussed how S.E. wins girls over with his nurturing and big ole eyes. I wonder why everyone says my lovely was such a sweet boy. His big ole eyes and easy disposition.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Tamale Pie

I have not been adding enough recipes on this blog. Here's a wonderful recipe I've had since I was 21 year-old. I went to a potluck and this amazing dish was there. It was so tasty that I literally followed this delightful old lady to please give me a copy of it. She not only gave me a copy of it that night and I had feared I wouldn't get it but a week or so later, she sent it to me in the mail. I will always cherish the kindness of others who are willing to share their food and recipes. I want to grow up to be like her.

Here it is folks. It seems difficult but totally worth it.

Tamale Pie

1 to 1 1/2 lb. lean hamburger

1 cup finely chopped onion

1 cup finely chopped green pepper

1 can of petite diced tomatoes

1-12 oz. can of corn, drained

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 cup sliced black olives (divided)

1 1/2 tsp chili powder

1 tsp cumin powder

1 cup cornmeal (divided)

1 cup water

1 1/2 cup milk

1 tsp salt

2 TBSP butter

2 lightly beaten eggs

1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

Brown hamburger, onion, and pepper until hamburger is cooked. Add tomatoes, corn, salt, 1/2 of the black olives, chili powder and cumin powder. Simmer for 5 minutes.

In a small bowl, mix water and 1/2 cup cornmeal. Add to the meat mixture and simmer until cornmeal has thickened the meat mixture. Pour into a greased 9 x 13" baking pan.

In a saucepan, add milk, salt, and butter. Add 1/2 cup cornmeal. Bring slowly to a boil with constant stirring. Remove from heat once thickened and slowly add cheese and eggs. Stir to completely blend.

Pour over meat mixture and sprinkle with remaining olives. Bake at 350F for 30 minutes. Serve.
Feeling better today. Got five hours of uninterrupted sleep and am feeling like a million dollars today. I'm pretty grateful for my lovely husband and my kids. Thank you God for giving me three reasons to not sit around and have a serious pity party. Sometimes I look at my family and I can't believe God let me have them. Truly the best gifts I've ever. I'm looking outside myself and I'm going to soak in the deliciousness that are my boys and try to make my lovely's life wonderful today because he's pretty terrific to me.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Where I'm at...

What does being healthy mean?
This question was posed in a weight loss blog I was reading and I have been thinking about this because I think I've been losing my fight with the scale as of late. So I decided I would ponder about what being healthy means to me because that's why I got my act together almost two years ago to lose 30 lbs.

Since words are failing me at this moment, how about what does healthy look like? To me it looks like someone like Halle Berry. I'm no Halle Berry but I think she's not too thin or too muscular. She has a woman's body and when she bends over, her stomach doesn't have any rolls. There it is. The stomach rolls. I have them even though I weigh 25 lbs less than when I started (I have gained 5 lbs. in the last two months...even with running a marathon). I don't how I feel in clothes so I don't feel healthy. I feel like I'm a copycat. a fraud. I'm still in my fat state of mind.

Back to the question. Being healthy to me means not being out of breath due to physical exertion. Being healthy to me means not overeating. Being healthy to me means no Jelly Belly belly. Being healthy is doing the work to maintain a healthy lifestyle (exercise, rest, eat clean and lean). Right now, I barely push myself during my workouts, eat unhealthy foods everyday, and eat too much. I can't seem to stop myself. I need to respect myself enough to not eat garbage. I'm having myself a huge pity-party.

So, how do I get myself back on track? Keep working out even if I don't feel like it. Drink water. Stop eating before my stomach hurts. And give myself a break.
I have the worst insomnia. I can't get comfortable. My bed is too hot. The couch gets old. I toss and turn and I'm looking like hell. I have bags under my eyes and my eating is horrible. Yes, pets' heads are falling off today and I don't have a clue how to fix it. Tomorrow I've got an appointment with my allergist.

It seems I've written about this topic over and over again but in addition to my allergies, I abhor this time of year. Everything is changing too fast and it's too dark too soon. I'm going to stop writing so I don't have to subject you to my *!^$#*ing and moaning. Take care all and hope you have a better day than me.