At every important milestone in my life-any accomplishment, hard, and worthwhile in the forefront of my mind is my weight. When I was defending my thesis, I had a hard time finding a suit to fit my short and fat form. I recall going to several department stores and finally finding one-which had to be altered a lot to fit right. This is one of many, many stories. In addition, I had to stand in front of professors and other students for two hours explaining why I did the research I did and why I should be granted a masters in science degree.
When I was pregnant with both my lovely boys, I struggled to breath and move around due to my umpa lumpa form. I was really big. The pinacle of how large I got: 4' 11'' and 175 lbs. AAAGGHH. Poor feet. My feet hurt all the time throughout both pregnancies. Don't get me started on gestational diabetes. Having my children were the two most defining moments of my life. I am forever grateful to get to love these two boys. However, in my mind, I was struggling to hide how much weight I had not taken off and how I didnt' want to have my picture taken because I couldn't bear to look at how big I was.
Wedding. It was all I could do to workout twice/day for months to fit into my wedding dress. The wedding dress I found was beautiful but because of my rolls and frame, I had a difficult time finding a dress that would fit me. Again, I was scared to be the focus of attention because I was so big and in WHITE.
Fast forward to now. I am up 5 lbs. from last year and I am so scared to gain back all the weight. But like the cycle that has run throughout my life, the more scared I get, the more I mess up with my eating. That's where I'm at. I wish I could be one of those people who cuts back on the food as soon as my clothes feel tighter. I just get stressed out about how I let myself get big enough to not be able to fit into my clothes-it's just in a smaller size. I am tired of forever worrying about my weight.
I know this is a depressing and whiny post but this is where I'm at. It helps to get it out of my system.