Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Cup refilled

Sorry to be such a downer on the last blog. I am a person that lets problems fester until I burst and usually I blow up at whoever's near. Not classy at all because it's usually my kids and husband that take the heat. Well all three of my men got it yesterday and I swore I felt lower than dirt afterwards, but once I unload what is bothering me-I can let it go.

So today, I am not angry, impatient, and basically a downer to be around. I can look at my filled cup and count my good fortune.

I know this much is true about me, I don't have a lot of confidence in my parenting. I grew up in a family where I had to take on a huge chuck of helping my younger siblings from the time they were little to past high school graduation. I didn't give up my "mother" role to them until I moved away to college. I was not a good mother then because while I did the best I could, I would get frustrated sometimes and get angry and take it out on them. It would make me feel like dirt. I used to tell myself that I can stop being a mom when they grow up. I didn't imagine I would have kids of my own.

So here I am with those feelings and when I resort back to old behaviors of parenting (i.e. yelling and losing it), I go into panic mode and feel like I'm failing my kids now too. I'm trying my hardest to be a better parent to my kids then I was to my siblings but sometimes I don't know how to change.

I'm trying to change though and sometimes, I'm not going to be any good at being a mom but I will keep on trying to do better by my kids and husband.

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