I am a very sensitive person. Always have been but have been ashamed to admit this in fear that I will be exposed as weak, uncool, and weird. I have a photographic memory of not only images but of the feelings I experience during a notable event (or not so notable).
For instance, I still to this day recall the funny way a girl in my sixth grade class giggled. I crushed her and it was unintentional. But when asked by the teacher to the whole class, I did NOT raise my hand or make amends. Whoa, let's peddle back a bit-see my favorite teacher at the time Mrs. Ramsey had a jar where each week, there would be a student who is the VIP of the week. And throughout the week, other students were suppose to write something constructive and KIND to this VIP. Well, I was trying to tell her in my note how unique I thought her laughter was and how I liked it. But I think I left out the liked part because unbeknownst to me, she was VERY sensitive about the way her laughter came out...sort of like a Woody woodpecker's laugh.
To this day, I wish I would have raised my hand to apologize. There are so, so many more incidents like these that are etched in my soul (many worse but I am not ready to put it out there)...I am not brave enough. I am still fearful of not being liked. I am trying hard to redirect this attitude.
I am working towards being my most authentic self and I am trying to not bring anyone down or expose anyone else. As a fellow blogger writes "before she publishes anything good, bad, and especially ugly, she will write it coming from a place of love".
Forgiving my sins and allowing God's grace to work through me is where I am at. I am grateful to be loved so much by my husband because sometimes that is the only way I know God's grace is working in my life. I will try my best to accept HIS grace.