Forgiveness

I am a very sensitive person. Always have been but have been ashamed to admit this in fear that I will be exposed as weak, uncool, and weird.  I have a photographic memory of not only images but of the feelings I experience during a notable event (or not so notable).

For instance, I still to this day recall the funny way a girl in my sixth grade class giggled. I crushed her and it was unintentional. But when asked by the teacher to the whole class, I did NOT raise my hand or make amends. Whoa, let's peddle back a bit-see my favorite teacher at the time Mrs. Ramsey had a jar where each week, there would be a student who is the VIP of the week. And throughout the week, other students were suppose to write something constructive and KIND to this VIP.  Well, I was trying to tell her in my note how unique I thought her laughter was and how I liked it. But I think I left out the liked part because unbeknownst to me, she was VERY sensitive about the way her laughter came out...sort of like a Woody woodpecker's laugh.

To this day, I wish I would have raised my hand to apologize. There are so, so many more incidents like these that are etched in my soul (many worse but I am not ready to put it out there)...I am not brave enough. I am still fearful of not being liked. I am trying hard to redirect this attitude.

I am working towards being my most authentic self and I am trying to not bring anyone down or expose anyone else. As a fellow blogger writes "before she publishes anything good, bad, and especially ugly, she will write it coming from a place of love".

Forgiving my sins and allowing God's grace to work through me is where I am at. I am grateful to be loved so much by my husband because sometimes that is the only way I know God's grace is working in my life. I will try my best to accept HIS grace.

"Wearing your emotions on the outside"

Someone said this about weight. Obese people wear their emotional scars on the outside. I think about this statement.
We all have "trauma" in our past that shape how we treat others, how we view ourselves and our actions-it is the coping mechanisms we develop that help us keep going.
For someone overweight like myself, I will always turn to food as my pseudo bestfriend and confidant.
I wear what I am going through on the outside.
I had rotator cuff & bicep surgery in June. I am not completely healed.
I feel I have no patience with my family at times and feel so overwhelmed to keep my family going-healthy, smart, and clean.
I know if the world were to stop today, I would choose healthy above all but I don't show it at times when I eat garbage or let my kids get away with not eating healthy food.

It could even not be about  me. I am 43 years old and my friends are coming down with real health problems like CANCER! I get stressed for them knowing they have young kids like myself and what if they don't make it?!

So I eat. And when I show love or want to be accepted...I cook and eat.
When my plate of to do list is HUGE, I eat.

Then I parade my inadequacies all over my body in the form of rolls and flab all over.

Big message? Learn to not turn to food as the first go to.
Today, I will work on this.

Rising above it. Trying to not to be stuck in your past, experiences, and not taking it as an identity. Not continuing to embrace the things that happened to you so you can get on with your life is something that I continue to work through.

Today, I am doing it well. I am not apologizing for my existence. I am a concerned and caring mother, wife, and friend. I love my husband with passion. I love my boys with every fiber of my being. I enjoy taking care of their needs. I enjoy watching them grow.

I hiccup is being stuck in my old behaviors of not being good enough. Today. I am good enough.

I blame the tablet. Having a tablet with apps makes it really unfriendly to sitting and writing. In my opinion. I am old school and like the keyboard. I think my mind works better when all fingers are firing instead of just my thumbs.

That and the fact that life as been busy. What's new with me?

Well, still a SAHM but my kids are now in school for most of the day. I still have chores like laundry (puke), cleaning bathrooms, dishes, and repeat. 

My skin has been behaving while not fully cleared, I have not had severe outbreaks which keeps me awake most of the night itching.

I am still sewing. In fact, I started a sewing club (free to anyone) to come and learn to sew, continue working on stuff you do sew, or just get ideas from others. I am very proud that this club is going strong two years!!! I recommend if you have a talent to share with the public, the library is a great meeting place.

As far as weight and health, I am still under 140 lbs but have not ran further than 5 miles. I do a lot of boot camp at home. The lovely husband and I are still coaching our boys in soccer. So much fun to see the growth each season. These three are still the loves of my life.

Lastly, I have been dabbling in a little catering. Making money...um not really just enough to make it fun. Can I feed a family on this...HELL No...

Now, I am off to clean up dishes after dinner.  Hope all is well in blogland.

Reflections...

Now that I am fully rested and not wiping bottoms anymore...

I've had time to reflect on what I would do differently now that I've had some distance babydom.

The only thing I would do differently would be to not be so hard on them to behave like a big kid.

I see moms shopping with little ones in the store and the frustration they spew when their little ones don't follow fast enough, want to touch or linger, or just babble with them about what's around them...I would STOP. And listen. Really look at them and listen.

These days, I run errands alone so when I hear the small voice of a little toddler being curious (what I used think was mischievous when I was raising my littles), I make sure to tell the parents to treasure this...and I compliment the parents who do take the time to treasure it with the kids.

I don't know if I make any sense other than I really miss having little ones running about my daily life.

I love and appreciate the stage my boys are at now...and I have to remind myself to let them live in the moment...love when they are outside still chasing each other with Nerf guns or still get excited to check out the toy isle. It won't be much longer when they won't want to. So, we linger and oooh and aaah the new Lego toys...

What I will tell you what I would do the exact same if I had to do it again...I WOULD STAY HOME AND LOVE ON MY KIDS. I never missed a hug, a kiss, or a fifieth step. I love, love being a mom.

Cost of Freedom

I am very annoyed. Why?

Well, there's this virus called EBOLA that has been killing a lot of people in Africa.

And it's making it way to my beloved USA because selfish people who come back from this region do carry it back here.

So, the one person who came down with it and came back here has DIED!!! And caregivers like nurses and anyone else nearby have contracted it and/or quarantined to prevent the spread.

Sounds reasonable because people DIE from this virus.

So why would a nurse who came back from treating those with it in Africa and asked to be quarantined for 21 days is now PERUSING LEGAL ACTIONS BECAUSE SHE WAS IN ISOLATION FOR 21 DAYS!!!! That her freedom was infringed upon? Let's see, 21 days of NOT TORTURE BUT ISOLATION...small price to pay for making sure you don't bring back Ebola and be responsible for spreading and KILLING anyone.

It's okay to help infected people in Africa but not do what you can to help ensure it doesn't spread in your own country? I am tired of misguided do-gooders who are selective about the people the are willing to hurt while trying to HELP.

I would stay in for a year if it meant making sure I would not kill an innocent bystander.

Not what you want to hear when you finally get around to reading my blog but I needed to vent this morning.

Half-Marathon

It's been five years between two officially timed half-marathon...my first in 2009 and two weeks ago. This time around, I didn't train.

I had very good intentions with my Hal Higdon's half-marathon training program, but there were summer fires, raising kids, skin problems, vacations to take and frankly I just haven't been motivated.

So in September when I noticed my longest distance had been 3 miles (yikes!) and I had already paid the fee, I quickly (okay slowly) ran seven miles. I was going to keep running long miles.

But I didn't. I stalled and life got in the way. Two weeks before the race, I had been running only two miles.

Oh well. I ran it. I told myself just finish. So I did. Finish. Only four minutes slower than five years ago.

Mind you, I am still slow in the runners' world but I did it.

I joked that I trained like a man (my friend Ron cold-turkey runs races without training) and I don't recommend this way. I did it but I was not satisfied.

I've been consistently running since. I find pleasure in completing a run. I find my day is more manageable. I find I like myself more after a run.

Cheesy. I know. How do you feel after a run?

Favorite words

Favorite words that make my kids happy or excited include:

Cousins
Ice Cream
Legos
Anything bacon
Sleepover
Minecraft
Nexus
Netflix

The Ramblin' On household has been trying a new thing for the past two months and although it's not a new concept, we've just formalized it on paper.

A chore chart.

Nothing fancy.

On the list are simple tasks like brush your teeth and changing your clothes for the day for personal hygiene. Other stuff like empty dishwasher, clean/pick-up living room and entry way, collect all laundry and take it down to laundry room.  Most importantly, read for 20 minutes.

Can all be done in an hour or less.  The boys don't earn money for doing this.

The take away message of the chore charts are three-fold: 1) I don't have to nag at them to get stuff done 2) Gives them a focus each day of what's expected of them 3) They have a better understanding of being a productive member of our home.

This has made them realize how much needs to be done each day that used to be mom's responsibility.

The favorite words up above happens when chores are done...The lovely and I are more likely to say yes to buying/doing things that cost money when they are helpful.

They can turn in their week's chore sheet for a small reward i.e. candy or a trip to dollar scoop ice cream.  Or build it up and earn an hour of fun activity like bowling.

What does your household do to manage/tame the household duties?

Flying Scared

Why do dumb, dumb people have access to weapons that can take down planes and ruin so many lives?!!

I am so overwhelmed with all the bad news in the world and here in the U.S.

Aren't you?

Am I terrible if I stop watching coverage/documentaries on how our lives are horrible?

I stopped because it didn't make me a better citizen. I would get scared, grumpy and mostly anxious about my kids' future.

I grew up in war. I didn't see severed heads or blood everywhere. What I did see were people running scared. Feeling very nervous when we had to be very quiet because you didn't know if it was the enemy coming to attack.

So, I choose not to click on global coverage but to help where I can make a difference...right here in my community and family.

I feel helpless quick frankly. For instance, those little girls who were taken in Africa...we all know about it and I am HORRIFIED...why have they not been returned when they've been ousted? How horrible for those parents. Helpless right now.

Horror overload. I am stopping now because I am not making sense.

However, I will leave with this...I have always since I was young and scared during the fall of Vietnam, that there's always good that comes out of every bad situation...you just have to look for it.

Kiddos of the week

S.E. and Koo have been in soccer camp all week. They played soccer. This is the first time S.E. and his birth friend (sweet and talented E) were in camp together.

At the end of the week, they name players of the week...well both these two got the players of the week for their growth, leadership, good sportsmanship, and teamwork.

Aaahhh. These two started out as rug rats together...her mom and I would nurse and sit around my house or her's and watch our babies grow.

As they grew, more siblings and different activities separated the two. However, she has been more consistent at being S.E.'s friend. He gets embarrassed playing with girls these days so he doesn't make as much of a fuss, but Koo has been filling in with E and her adorable sisters.

Anyway, I digress...pretty neat these two would get extra attention because when they are together, they lift each other up (more like E makes S.E. a better kid).

Maintaining weight loss is tougher than losing weight. There is no reward other than your clothes fit and you continue to have to practice moderation, journaling, and exercising like when you are trying to lose weight...

But finding this balance has always been a struggle for me. I've dropped off of blogland for the past year really because I've been embarrassed that I've managed to gain 2 lbs. /year. This means I went from 129 in 2009 to now 140 in 2014.

I am a size 10. My stomach is sticking out more. I can't fit into my size 8s. It was gradual but deliberate because I threw caution to the wind and stopped tracking or holding myself accountable.

This post is tough for me to write but I'm sure if you've seen me around, YOU KNOW I've gained weight. It doesn't make me a terrible person. I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I look down more, avoid activities that would put me in the public more.

I'm back on trying to get this weight off. I can list excuses but those are boring. It's just a matter of eating more than I move.

7 miles of pain free run

It was a beautiful day-upper 40's and sunshine.

I stuffed two almonds and one Clif block shot in my pocket and went out running.

Seven miles.

Longest this year.

It felt like heaven. No cramps. No feet pain. No BM issues. Not have to be back at home.

I'm so thankful to get to run without injury.

I can't wait to do it again.

How is your workout these days?

Wolves and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Not to be outdone, Koo is a Wolf in Cub Scouts and wanted to make chocolate chips cookies (not required this year) but we couldn't leave him out right?

So, we made soft chocolate chip cookies.

Bears and Oatmeal Raisin cookies

Part of earning a Bear badge in Cub Scouts, a boy has to make oatmeal cookies as described in the handbook.

Today, S.E. made oatmeal cookies with modifications: eliminate shortening and replaced it with butter instead, added cinnamon and raisins.

Here's the recipe (adopted from the back of the Quaker Oats container...many years ago).

1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/4 cup sugar
1 egg
1/2 tsp vanilla
3/4 cup ap flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt
1 1/2 cups oats
1/2 cup raisins

Blend sugar and butter until homogenous. Add the rest of wet ingredients and mix. Add dry ingredients and then raisins. Bake at 350F for 10-13 minutes depending on how you like the texture.

New Year, new throw pillows

Since most of our household has been sick for the past three weeks, I'm just about done with laundry, kleenex, waking up to coughing, icky tummies, vomiting, correct medicine dosage and time and just not being able to get stuff done.

Well, it looks like we've turned the corner and just in time because I went ahead and made new throw pillows. I'm certain it's not been good for my family to lay against throw pillows that had seen too much germies roaming my house.

I get to a point where I can't even stand to throw them in the wash and call it a day.  Tired of all this cold/flu business.

Here's the interesting part. How did I make such custom, fluffy throw pillow that didn't break the bank?

1) I purchased home decorating fabric from Joann on sale 1/2 off for $4.99/yard. But wait!! I had a coupon for an additional 25% off sale and regular-priced fabric so I ended up only spending $15 dollars for all three designs.

2.) I made my own pillow form. Yup. I bought these full-size pillows from Walmart ($2.50 each). I ended up using five of them ~$14.00 total. I made nine throw pillows total!!!

How did I do this? Well, I marked the final size of the pillow and I cut the pillow down to size. Pulled out the extra stuffing and sewed it shut. Fluffy, clean, and inexpensive. If I wanted to get the fluffy pillow form at Joann...it would have been $7.99 (on sale!) each.

Revamped

I know this revamp is sort of anti-climatic because there's no "before" pic. I swear I took it. It was deleted by my lovely hubby while transferring pictures off the SD card to the big computer.

He thought it was a picture Koo took.

This was a free bag I took apart (from one of his enginerdy conventions) with advertisement on the pocket part.

Sewed new fabric onto it and now it's a cool catch-all bag.  Held Kindles, pens, fabrics, and books.

S.E.'s first run

S.E. ran his first two miles!!! He did it without stopping. Kept very good pace with me. The only time he stopped was to admire the view from a hilltop.

I've been running for awhile now and I don't think I've ever stopped in a middle of a run to admire the view. Thank goodness for my kid reminding me to stop and smell the roses. This is such a big moment for me because I have dreamed of being able to run with my kids. Koo does not have the patience yet for pacing. He is all fire or all burn out. He will sprint and then come to a a dead stop...heaving. And the cycle goes on.

I am happy for my son. He is such a better kid than I ever was. He is strong, kind, willing, and best of all, he has grit.

And the picture is brought to you by Mr. Koo (photography is his passion...Asian side spilling out).


Before we took off:

And we are off:

After 2 miles:

Koo is Eight

Okay so it's been a few days since my little guy has turned eight.

Koo at eight:

Still loves to make origami swords, crowns, and airplanes.

Loves piggies of all kind...except his conflict with loving bacon more...

Accessories! He loves to wear bracelets, dinosaur "tooth" necklaces and anything he can add to get a little flavor to his outfits.

Still loves to play soccer, volleyball, and starting to play tennis.

He's just a hard worker and he wakes up bright eyes and in a happy mood. Everyday.

We adore him so much and he's such a darling kid. Happy Birthday.

Made this quilt for my niece (who has been asking for one for three years!!). I used the pattern from this blog but made it twin-sized. I love the colors and she was thrilled. First time with diagonal quilt lines.

Hope you like it.

http://www.cluckclucksew.com/2013/06/finished-scrappy-summer-and-pattern.html

Do you use other blogs as inspiration or copy a pattern?

It's that time again.  Gingerbread houses to decorate and house full of happy kids. That's why I do it. Merry Christmas all.