Forgiveness

I am a very sensitive person. Always have been but have been ashamed to admit this in fear that I will be exposed as weak, uncool, and weird.  I have a photographic memory of not only images but of the feelings I experience during a notable event (or not so notable).

For instance, I still to this day recall the funny way a girl in my sixth grade class giggled. I crushed her and it was unintentional. But when asked by the teacher to the whole class, I did NOT raise my hand or make amends. Whoa, let's peddle back a bit-see my favorite teacher at the time Mrs. Ramsey had a jar where each week, there would be a student who is the VIP of the week. And throughout the week, other students were suppose to write something constructive and KIND to this VIP.  Well, I was trying to tell her in my note how unique I thought her laughter was and how I liked it. But I think I left out the liked part because unbeknownst to me, she was VERY sensitive about the way her laughter came out...sort of like a Woody woodpecker's laugh.

To this day, I wish I would have raised my hand to apologize. There are so, so many more incidents like these that are etched in my soul (many worse but I am not ready to put it out there)...I am not brave enough. I am still fearful of not being liked. I am trying hard to redirect this attitude.

I am working towards being my most authentic self and I am trying to not bring anyone down or expose anyone else. As a fellow blogger writes "before she publishes anything good, bad, and especially ugly, she will write it coming from a place of love".

Forgiving my sins and allowing God's grace to work through me is where I am at. I am grateful to be loved so much by my husband because sometimes that is the only way I know God's grace is working in my life. I will try my best to accept HIS grace.

"Wearing your emotions on the outside"

Someone said this about weight. Obese people wear their emotional scars on the outside. I think about this statement.
We all have "trauma" in our past that shape how we treat others, how we view ourselves and our actions-it is the coping mechanisms we develop that help us keep going.
For someone overweight like myself, I will always turn to food as my pseudo bestfriend and confidant.
I wear what I am going through on the outside.
I had rotator cuff & bicep surgery in June. I am not completely healed.
I feel I have no patience with my family at times and feel so overwhelmed to keep my family going-healthy, smart, and clean.
I know if the world were to stop today, I would choose healthy above all but I don't show it at times when I eat garbage or let my kids get away with not eating healthy food.

It could even not be about  me. I am 43 years old and my friends are coming down with real health problems like CANCER! I get stressed for them knowing they have young kids like myself and what if they don't make it?!

So I eat. And when I show love or want to be accepted...I cook and eat.
When my plate of to do list is HUGE, I eat.

Then I parade my inadequacies all over my body in the form of rolls and flab all over.

Big message? Learn to not turn to food as the first go to.
Today, I will work on this.

Rising above it. Trying to not to be stuck in your past, experiences, and not taking it as an identity. Not continuing to embrace the things that happened to you so you can get on with your life is something that I continue to work through.

Today, I am doing it well. I am not apologizing for my existence. I am a concerned and caring mother, wife, and friend. I love my husband with passion. I love my boys with every fiber of my being. I enjoy taking care of their needs. I enjoy watching them grow.

I hiccup is being stuck in my old behaviors of not being good enough. Today. I am good enough.

I blame the tablet. Having a tablet with apps makes it really unfriendly to sitting and writing. In my opinion. I am old school and like the keyboard. I think my mind works better when all fingers are firing instead of just my thumbs.

That and the fact that life as been busy. What's new with me?

Well, still a SAHM but my kids are now in school for most of the day. I still have chores like laundry (puke), cleaning bathrooms, dishes, and repeat. 

My skin has been behaving while not fully cleared, I have not had severe outbreaks which keeps me awake most of the night itching.

I am still sewing. In fact, I started a sewing club (free to anyone) to come and learn to sew, continue working on stuff you do sew, or just get ideas from others. I am very proud that this club is going strong two years!!! I recommend if you have a talent to share with the public, the library is a great meeting place.

As far as weight and health, I am still under 140 lbs but have not ran further than 5 miles. I do a lot of boot camp at home. The lovely husband and I are still coaching our boys in soccer. So much fun to see the growth each season. These three are still the loves of my life.

Lastly, I have been dabbling in a little catering. Making money...um not really just enough to make it fun. Can I feed a family on this...HELL No...

Now, I am off to clean up dishes after dinner.  Hope all is well in blogland.

Reflections...

Now that I am fully rested and not wiping bottoms anymore...

I've had time to reflect on what I would do differently now that I've had some distance babydom.

The only thing I would do differently would be to not be so hard on them to behave like a big kid.

I see moms shopping with little ones in the store and the frustration they spew when their little ones don't follow fast enough, want to touch or linger, or just babble with them about what's around them...I would STOP. And listen. Really look at them and listen.

These days, I run errands alone so when I hear the small voice of a little toddler being curious (what I used think was mischievous when I was raising my littles), I make sure to tell the parents to treasure this...and I compliment the parents who do take the time to treasure it with the kids.

I don't know if I make any sense other than I really miss having little ones running about my daily life.

I love and appreciate the stage my boys are at now...and I have to remind myself to let them live in the moment...love when they are outside still chasing each other with Nerf guns or still get excited to check out the toy isle. It won't be much longer when they won't want to. So, we linger and oooh and aaah the new Lego toys...

What I will tell you what I would do the exact same if I had to do it again...I WOULD STAY HOME AND LOVE ON MY KIDS. I never missed a hug, a kiss, or a fifieth step. I love, love being a mom.

Cost of Freedom

I am very annoyed. Why?

Well, there's this virus called EBOLA that has been killing a lot of people in Africa.

And it's making it way to my beloved USA because selfish people who come back from this region do carry it back here.

So, the one person who came down with it and came back here has DIED!!! And caregivers like nurses and anyone else nearby have contracted it and/or quarantined to prevent the spread.

Sounds reasonable because people DIE from this virus.

So why would a nurse who came back from treating those with it in Africa and asked to be quarantined for 21 days is now PERUSING LEGAL ACTIONS BECAUSE SHE WAS IN ISOLATION FOR 21 DAYS!!!! That her freedom was infringed upon? Let's see, 21 days of NOT TORTURE BUT ISOLATION...small price to pay for making sure you don't bring back Ebola and be responsible for spreading and KILLING anyone.

It's okay to help infected people in Africa but not do what you can to help ensure it doesn't spread in your own country? I am tired of misguided do-gooders who are selective about the people the are willing to hurt while trying to HELP.

I would stay in for a year if it meant making sure I would not kill an innocent bystander.

Not what you want to hear when you finally get around to reading my blog but I needed to vent this morning.

Half-Marathon

It's been five years between two officially timed half-marathon...my first in 2009 and two weeks ago. This time around, I didn't train.

I had very good intentions with my Hal Higdon's half-marathon training program, but there were summer fires, raising kids, skin problems, vacations to take and frankly I just haven't been motivated.

So in September when I noticed my longest distance had been 3 miles (yikes!) and I had already paid the fee, I quickly (okay slowly) ran seven miles. I was going to keep running long miles.

But I didn't. I stalled and life got in the way. Two weeks before the race, I had been running only two miles.

Oh well. I ran it. I told myself just finish. So I did. Finish. Only four minutes slower than five years ago.

Mind you, I am still slow in the runners' world but I did it.

I joked that I trained like a man (my friend Ron cold-turkey runs races without training) and I don't recommend this way. I did it but I was not satisfied.

I've been consistently running since. I find pleasure in completing a run. I find my day is more manageable. I find I like myself more after a run.

Cheesy. I know. How do you feel after a run?